Shrek's New Annoyance
by RMP
Summary: A rewrite of the Shrek movie, and instead of just Donkey to annoy him, Shrek has to deal with Donkey and Harry Potter (even though HP acts a bit different than normal)[COMPLETED (sequel coming after I see the movie sequel)]
1. What Adventure?

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters in this story.  
Reclaimer: I did write this story, though.  
  
Chapter 1  
What Adventure?  
Shrek kicked the door to his toilet room open, ready for his morning routine, only to find.. Harry Potter standing there?!  
"Hi. I'm Harry Potter. I'll be tagging along on the adventure you are about to have!"  
"What adventure?"  
"The one you'll have," Harry said dramatically. He dropped to the ground to increase the drama.  
  
***  
Later, as Shrek posted up a sign saying, "Free Wizard for Sale!" and Harry counted flowers, a donkey rammed into Shrek's butt.  
"Who has come to annoy me now?" Shrek said, emphasis on the now.  
The donkey screeched and stood by Shrek as a group of guards came up.  
"By order of Lord Farquad, you are both under arrest," one of the guards said shakily.  
"Oh, the heck with it. Can we run now?" another guard asked.  
"Sure!" Shrek said with a smile. Before they could run, Harry started shouting out random spells at them.  
"Crucio!"  
"Avada Kedavra!"  
"Expelliarmus!"  
"Petrificus Totalus!"  
The remaining guards ran.  
Shrek walked off, and Harry and donkey followed. Harry rode on Donkey's back.  
"Can I come home with you?" Donkey asked Shrek.  
"Sure! Why not? Maybe you and Harry can become good friends so you won't bother me!" Shrek answered in his usual pessimistic manner.  
"Onkey Donkey!" Donkey exclaimed happily.  
When the got back to Shrek's swamp, Donkey made waffles for all three. After eating them, a mouse bit Shrek's unusually shaped ear and caused him to go on a rampage and run all the way to Dulac to sue Lord Farquad. Harry, who was riding on Donkey, who was galloping, followed.  
Instead of getting to sue Lord Farquad, Shrek, Harry, and Donkey had to go rescue Princess Fiona from the dragon-guarded castle.  
Shrek pinched Harry, because he had been right. Shrek was going on an adventure.  
No one knows how they got the assignment, it was lost over time and the History books we study today fail to tell the tale, so I shall just have to wonder.  
  
***  
So, how'd you like the first part? Review and let me know! If you like it I'll continue. If you don't, I suppose I'll let it sit and gather E- Dust. 


	2. Off to the Castle We Go

Disclaimer: Look in the previous chapter cause I'm too lazy to put it here again.  
  
***  
  
Chapter 2: Off to the Castle We Go  
  
Later Shrek, Donkey, and Harry walked through a corn field. Shrek was talking about onions while Harry and Donkey were singing "I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves!"  
After Shrek finished his onion speech, he noticed the singing. He tried to tune it out, but failed horribly.  
"Stop SINGING!" he ordered.  
Harry looked at him funny.  
"Alright, Professor Snape, Jr.!"  
"I don't know who Professor Snape, Jr. is but I do know you're getting on my nerves. I'm an ogre, and I can use your eyeballs as olives. You're supposed to be scared of me!" Shrek said, rather proudly. Donkey eyed him.  
"You look so marshmellowy to me, though," he said, sniffing like he was going to cry.  
"Aw, don't cry, Donkey. It's just Shrek, he won't hurt you," Harry comforted.  
"No, I'm not crying cause of that. Don't you smell that? You should tell someone before you let one out like that, Shrek!" Donkey scolded.  
"That ain't me," Shrek said, sounding suspiciously southern, "It's this funky colored rock here."  
"No rock can smell like that. They have that chalky smell," Harry said.  
"Whatever," Shrek said, realizing he was wrong and Harry was right.  
"Look! It's a big castle thing!" Donkey said excitedly.  
"Must be where the Princess lives. She sure doesn't slack on the danger," Shrek said, "At least I'm so kind I won't accidently push either of you into the lava," he finished, winking.  
Harry gasped, "You wouldn't dare!"  
"Oh, come on. You know I'm not very good at violence," Shrek said defensively.  
"Ahem, I don't know if we should try this bridge," Donkey said, frightened.  
"Aw, you aren't scared are you?" Shrek asked.  
"Just a little uncomfy crossing an old bridge over a bunch of lava!" Donkey said, even more frightened.  
"I'll fix it!" Harry hollered. He shouted an unrecognizable word, that sounded more like gibberish, and the bridge turned from wood to string.  
"Oh, thanks, Harry," Donkey said, rolling his eyes, "That makes me feel SO much better!"  
"I try," Harry said happily.  
"Okay, I'm not crossing that thing either. Try again, Potter boy!" Shrek ordered.  
Harry yelled another unrecognizable word, and the bridge turned to metal.  
"That works!" Donkey said, and skipped across. Harry and Shrek followed.  
Once inside, Donkey and Harry regarded the armor of previous knights. They were both fearing for their life.  
"DRAGON!" Harry screamed when a rat ran across a piece of armor, "Oh, no, rat. I knew that."  
Shrek put on some armor.  
"You two find some steps, and I'll find the dragon," he said. Donkey and Harry nodded, happy to oblige. They set off to find the steps.  
They walked in a dark room. There was a crack in the wall at the end of the room. Donkey and Harry went up to investigate.  
What they saw scarred them for the rest of their lives.  
Two dragons were cuddled up with each other, puffing smoke at each other. Donkey couldn't help himself.  
"DRAGON! NOT ONE! TWO! TWO DRAGONS! THERE'S TWO, HARRY! RUN, HARRY! AHHH!" they both ran off as fast as they could, and the dragons, too busy cuddling, just looked at them funny and returned to their activities.  
The two ran right into Shrek, which knocked them all on a loose board. Suddenly, a spurt of lava shot up and caused the board to carry all three into the tallest tower.  
"That was easy!" Shrek said when they were safely inside.  
On the bed next to a window, a shadowy figure lay with some withered flowers, waiting on them.  
  
***  
  
That's all I feel like writing for now! 


	3. We're Off to Sue Farquad

Chapter 3: We're Off to Sue Farquad  
  
Donkey, Harry, and Shrek walked around the room a bit, looking for the princess. It didn't occur to them she might be near the window.  
Finally, Harry found her.  
"Ahh! It's Voldemort!" he screamed. Donkey and Shrek came running, eager to find out who this Voldemort was.  
"No, that's the princess," Shrek corrected. Harry eyed her carefully.  
"You're right."  
Donkey started yelling to wake the princess up. The princess obviously woke up, because she started puckering up her lips. Harry grabbed her pony tail and tugged her off the bed.  
"Wake up!"  
"WHAT?!" Princess Fiona screamed.  
"Come, Princess Fiona. We must set off on a noble quest to take you back to Lord Shortstop," Shrek announced, trying to impress the princess.  
"Wait a minute- I'm being rescued by an ogre, donkey, and a kid in glasses?" Princess Fiona asked doubtfully.  
"Yes, now come on!" Harry said impatiently.  
"Works for me," the princess said.  
They all happily skipped out of the castle, across the bridge, and onto the trail.  
  
***  
  
"We're off to sue Lord Farquad, Lord Farquad," Donkey and Harry sang.  
"Would you stop singing?!" Shrek yelled, "Fiona's sleeping," he said more quietly, looking at Princess Fiona who was being carried by him.  
"On the road again," Donkey finished dramatically, then smiled, "All done."  
Just then a green figure on a rope came swinging through the forest in front of the group. Yodeling could be heard.  
"Looks like Godzilla!" Harry said, a bit frightened.  
Princess Fiona jumped out of Shrek's arms and landed in a karate pose. The green figure jumped off the rope and landed in front of Fiona.  
"Never trust a man in green tights," Shrek whispered to Donkey and Harry, "It's just scary."  
"Caution!" Fiona warned, "I know karate and six other Japanese words!"  
The mysterious green man in green tights fell over laughing, and soon laughed so hard he couldn't breathe, suffocated, and either passed out or died. Shrek, Fiona, Donkey, and Harry walked past.  
"We're off to sue Lord Farquad, Lord Farquad," Donkey and Harry started up again. Soon, Princess Fiona was singing with them so Shrek could not protest. So, Shrek joined in.  
The sun began to go down, and Princess Fiona, who had not been paying attention, was suddenly immersed in a shower of light.  
"Wow," Harry gasped, "Is she an angel?"  
"I bet she's a glow stick!" Donkey exclaimed.  
Then Fiona landed on the ground, as a green blob.  
"Shrek, can you trust a green lady in a white green dress?" Harry asked cautiously.  
"She's an ogre! Like me! Whoopee! I would get all mad that she didn't tell me, but I'm too happy! Whoopee!" Shrek started dancing, much out of character.  
"Princess! Princess! Stay away from the light!" Donkey started having a panic attack. Then the Ogre-Princess stood.  
"I would have told you sooner, but I just didn't know you well enough," she said sadly.  
"She's on ogre!" Shrek sang. 


	4. Sweet, Annoying Love

Sorry updates are coming out so slowly, I just forget all about updating! Plus, I only write when I think I can write something interesting.  
  
****  
  
Chapter 4: Sweet, Annoying Love  
  
As the group made their way towards Dulac, Donkey and Harry began to become increasingly aware of the romantic activity between Shrek and Fiona. First of all, on the first night Fiona and Shrek holed themselves up in a cave together and refused to let Harry, who was terrified of the dark, inside with them.  
Also, their trip back was taking much longer than expected because every so often Shrek and Fiona would go off looking for a "river" to drink from and wouldn't return for over an hour.  
Finally, after one of Shrek and Fiona's trips, Donkey decided to put a stop to it.  
"SHREK! FIONA! Next time you go looking for rivers, can me and Harry come?"  
"Uhm.." Fiona said, glancing from Shrek to Donkey to Harry to Shrek again.  
"Sure," Shrek said.  
Donkey's plan worked. Shrek and Fiona went on no more trips. By the end of that day, they had reached a hill from which they could see Dulac.  
"So.. that's it?" Fiona asked unhappily.  
"Yes," Shrek said, "But.. maybe we should stop here for now?"  
"WHY?!" Donkey and Harry asked angrily. They both wanted to be away from the two lovebirds.  
"Because.. Harry's afraid of the dark! I don't want to have to make him walk the rest of the way to Dulac in the dark!" Shrek exclaimed.  
"You didn't care before," Harry pointed out, though he was beginning to like Shrek's idea.  
"Please! Let's just stay here until morning!" Fiona begged, abandoning any tactics of lying.  
"Hmm.." Harry and Donkey looked at each other, considering.  
"Okay!" Donkey said.  
So the four made camp. Fiona and Shrek got the cabin, of course, and Donkey and Harry slept by the fire.  
"Why do they always get the luxurious stuff?" Donkey asked Harry.  
"Because they're big bullies!" Harry replied unhappily.  
The next morning Fiona and Shrek took as long as possible leading Donkey and Harry to Dulac. When they arrived, Farquad and his knights met them at the entrance to the city.  
"Princess Fiona, would you be the perfect bride, for the perfect groom?" Lord Farquad asked after being lifted off his horse. Fiona looked down at him disdainfully. Shrek held his breath, about to run away before Fiona answered.  
"No," Fiona said finally. Lord Farquad's jaw fell.  
"Why not?" he asked angrily.  
"Because.. I am in love with Shrek. Not you!" she announced, and ran to Shrek.  
"Kill them!" Farquad ordered.  
"Wait a minute now! That's a bit cruel. Harry and me have had to go through ALL these days of they're constant love stuff, and you are NOT going to put that all to waste by killing them!" Donkey yelled.  
"What he said!" Harry exclaimed.  
"Don't listen to them!" Farquad ordered. His guard ran towards Shrek and Fiona. Harry climbed on top of Donkey.  
"Get 'em, Donkey!"  
Donkey charged at the group of guards. They all scattered. Shrek picked Fiona up and ran after Donkey and Harry. They ran and ran and didn't stop until they'd reached the swamp. By the time they got there, only one guard had kept up with them.  
Fiona hopped off Shrek's back and charged towards the guard, beating her chest with her hands. She made a monkey noise. While the guard was distracted by Fiona, Shrek rammed into him from the side.  
"Take that!" he yelled.  
Donkey began to stomp and the fallen guard.  
"And that! And that! And that.. and that!"  
"You can stop now," Shrek yelled.  
"Onkey donkey," Donkey said.  
  
****  
  
The next day Shrek brought a priest from Dulac to marry him and Fiona. Donkey and Harry were the only guests.  
As the wedding reached its end, Harry elbowed Donkey.  
"I don't want them to get married," he whispered.  
"Why?" Donkey asked.  
"Because.. I.. I'm in love with Fiona," Harry said so softly he could barely be heard.  
"WHAT?!" Donkey yelled, "Another lovebird, just what I need!"  
"Shhh!" Shrek ordered from the front of the room.  
"Speak now or forever hold your peace," the priest said.  
"Say something," Donkey told Harry.  
"Um, um.."  
"Hurry!"  
"I OBJECT!"  
"WHAT?!" Shrek yelled.  
"Fiona! I think I'm in love with you! You can still marry Shrek, but..." Harry said.  
"Harry!" Shrek said.  
"Really?" Fiona asked.  
"Yes! I'm sorry, Shrek," Harry said.  
In the end, Fiona and Shrek both agreed not to marry. They decided they'd be close friends, so Harry wouldn't cry.  
Afterwards, they threw a huge party with all the fairy tale creatures there.  
  
As far as I know, Shrek, Harry, Donkey, and Fiona lived happily ever after in their swamp for a while. Though, one night, a mysterious girl named Hermione came and kidnapped Harry, taking him back to his own story, since there had been huge riots over his disappearance.  
Shrek, Fiona, and Donkey are still marching all over the land, searching for Harry.  
Hey, not all fairy tales end in happily ever after!  
  
THE END!  
  
***  
  
I actually think the first part of this story was better than the last, but I tried. Sorry if I disappointed you. :( THANKS TO ANYBODY THAT REVIEWED/WILL REVIEW! Thanks to the creator of Shrek, for without him/her this story would not exist. That is all. 


End file.
